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Funny Best Man Speeches

Funny Best Man Speeches

Wanna pull a fast one on your best friend's wedding? Here are some funny speeches to enliven the show.
Arjun Kulkarni
"I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?"
~ Jerry Seinfeld

Well that says it all isn't it? Your best friend's wedding gives you one chance to be in the limelight. When it is the time to raise a toast to the bride and groom, the best man is usually expected to stand up and say a few laudatory words about his best friend, and how he thinks that the groom is totally awesome and is really confident that he'll keep the bride happy. BORING! Even more so when the best man goes on rambling about the past and gets all nostalgic. Too bad for the crowd. But the way to really get a crowd going and make the best of the opportunity presented to you to show off a bit, you could go for some really funny best man speeches.

Funny Speeches You Can Use
Basic ground rules you should follow are as follows:
  • Never say anything derogatory about the bride or the groom. You may have had a few drinks and you might get a bit carried away by all the attention and start spilling some rather dark secrets.
  • Never make it about yourself and how lucky the groom is to have you rather than the bride. It is their special day, not yours.
  • Never go on for too long. Keep it short and simple. It may be funny and people may love it. But it's a speech, not a stand-up comedy act.
  • Never tell stories people don't want to hear. About the groom and the bride's *ahem* personal life. You know what I mean. The parents are around!
  • Never crack that stupid ring joke. You know the one. Engagement-ring wedding-ring and suffer-ring. Don't talk about divorce and how you feel monogamy is all wrong. These aren't the nicest things to say in a wedding.

How to Give a Good Best Man Speech
For the sake of this example, let us say your name is Paul, the groom's name is James and the bride's name is Sarah.

I'd like to raise a toast to Sarah and James.

Well not so much to Sarah anyway... she took James away from me... And now I'm stuck here alone in this tight suit! So I'll give Sarah the opportunity to patch up with me by setting me up with her beautiful bridesmaid ...

I'm kidding. I've known James since my mom stopped strapping the diaper to my butt. He's always been so competitive. In fact, we had a bet who'd marry first, but he's such a sore loser that I let him win! But frankly, I feel for the first time that James has beaten me fair and square. So Sarah, I bequeath him to you. He was the apple of my eye and he's yours now. Always a mischievous lad *sarcastic sob *... really hard to please and very demanding ... take good care of him. I know he's hard work, but if you think this deal is really unfair, I'll be more than glad to escort your dear bridesmaid home *wink *.

Comedy is tempting, but it isn't for all of us. The nice, sober best man speech works just fine. But if you think that seriousness isn't really your thing and want to make it one that the groom will never (really, never) forget, here's how you make funny best man wedding speeches.