By using funny wedding readings, you can induce some good hearted humor into an otherwise high voltage drama and romance occasion. Check out the ones in this article and take your pick.
A wedding reading is not a compulsory requirement at every wedding, but many couples like to have such wedding speeches read out by close friends or family members. This Wedessence article has a collection of some funny wedding readings that will entertain, tickle and also touch the hearts of the guests at the wedding. Enjoy them!
Humorous Wedding Readings
Before getting to the readings, let’s look at some pointers. Some readings given below are quite long. So, you can either have two people do them simultaneously or make sure that the person reading out does not get tired. Also, confirm if you can indeed use the reading that you have chosen, with the minister. Don’t include anything that you think could offend anyone (read crude and unnecessary details). the ones given below are quite neutral, so you’re safe using them. Have fun!
I Wanna Grow Old With You
I wanna make you smile,
Whenever you’re sad.
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad.
All I wanna do,
Is grow old with you.
I’ll get you medicine,
When your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks.
Oh it could be so nice,
Growin’ old with you.
I’ll miss you, kiss you,
Give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you.
Even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink.
Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man,
Who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
~ Adam Sandler
Yes I’ll Marry You
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry
And I hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late
I hand you the torch you see
And you investigate
Yes I’ll marry you my dear
And you may not apprehend it
But when the tumble dryer goes
It’s you that has to mend it
You have to face the neighbor
Should our roggie cat attack him
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him
Yes I’ll marry you
You’re virile and you’re lean
Your house is like a pigsty
I’ll help you keep it clean
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candle night
As I do the chappatis you can cook it every night
It’s you who has to work the drill
And put up curtain track
And when I’ve got a migraine its you who gets the flack
I do see great advantages
But none of them for you
And so before you see the light
I do I do I do I do!
~ Pam Ayres
I Rely On You
I rely on you
like a camera needs a shutter
like a gambler needs a flutter
like a golfer needs a putter
like a buttered scone involves some butter
I rely on you
like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
like an HGV needs endless derv
like an outside left needs a body swerve
I rely on you
like a handyman needs pliers
like an auctioneer needs buyers
like a laundromat needs driers
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers
~ Hovis Presley
I Wanna Be Yours
Let me be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
Let me be your ford cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours
Let me be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days
Let me be your dreamboat
When you wanna sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere
I don’t care
I wanna be yours
Let me be your electric meter
I will not run out
Let me be the electric heater
You get cold without
Let me be your setting lotion
Hold your hair with deep devotion
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
That’s how deep is my emotion
Deep deep deep deep deep deep
I don’t wanna be hers I wanna be yours!
~ John Copper-Clarke
If you go to a wedding, here’s what it means
No one wears trainers and no one wears jeans
Your best new clothes are all that you wear
And everyone in your whole family is there
Even some cousins that you’ve never known
And the grown-ups all say “Oh, how much you have grown!”
So everyone’s sitting in one big room
(except Sally and Richard, the bridge and groom)
Then all of a sudden things quieten down
And music starts playing and people turn round
And really slowly, Sally walks in
And she’s prettier now than she’s ever been.
She’s a bridge and she’s really great looking today
(when normally she looks just kind of okay)
She walks in and stands with her dad for a while
As Richard her boyfriend, awaits in the aisle
His hair is all combed and he’s wearing a tie
And then Sally’s mum starts to sniffle and cry.
And now it comes time for the “get-married” part
The Registrar says that we’re ready to start
So she talks and she talks about serious things
Then their friend Chris steps up holding two rings
He gives one to the groom and the other to the bride
Then his girlfriend, Janaki pulls him aside.
Then Sally and Richard kind of look at each other
And another big sniffle comes from Sally’s mother
And Sally and Richard put on the wedding rings
And they talk and they promise each other some things
They promise that they’ll love each other a lot
And help one another no matter what
And be with each other the rest of their life
Then the Registrar says “Now you are husband and wife”.
Then everyone’s in such a big happy mood
And you go to a party with very much food
Where you dance with some grown-ups and drink some wine
And then do a conga-dance in one long line
’till Sally and Richard drive off in a car
and everyone’s thinking how happy they are
So we all yell goodbye and throw handfuls of rice
Then the whole thing is over. Weddings are nice.
Tin Wedding Whistle
Though you know it anyhow
Listen to me, darling, now,
Proving what I need not prove
How I know I love you, love.
Near and far, near and far, I am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never learnt, How to be it where you aren’t.
Far and wide, far and wide,
I can walk with you beside;
Furthermore, I tell you what,
I sit and sulk where you are not.
Visitors remark my frown
Where you’re upstairs and I am down,
Yes, and I’m afraid I pout
When I’m indoors and you are out;
But how contentedly I view
Any room containing you.
In fact I care not where you be,
Just as long as it’s with me.
In all your absences I glimpse
Fire and flood and trolls and imps.
Is your train a minute slothful?
I goad the stationmaster wrothful.
When with friends to bridge you drive
I never know if you’re alive,
And when you linger late in shops
I long to telephone the cops.
Yet how worth the waiting for,
To see you coming through the door.
Somehow, I can be complacent
Never but with you adjacent.
Near and far, near and far,
I am happy where you are;
Likewise I have never learnt
How to be it where you aren’t.
Then grudge me not my fond endeavor,
To hold you in my sight forever;
Let none, not even you, disparage
Such a valid reason for a marriage.”
~ Ogden Nash
He Never Leaves The Seat Up
He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She’s very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they’ll have moved!
He’s a very active person
As are all his next of kin
Where as she likes lazy days
He’ll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favorite food
And spoils her day and night!
She’s thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren’t in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he’s handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They’re both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Where as she won’t even budge!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I’m sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He’ll be more than just her husband
He’ll also be her friend
And she’ll be more than just his wife
She’s be his soulmate ’till the end.
~ Pam Ayres
Well, that’s enough resources for you to use at your wedding. Make sure you have a good reader. Ask your siblings or close friends to do it if they’re good orators. And of course, ask them to practice before the actual wedding day. Even though they have to read it out, the right intonation and pronunciation is very important to get the desired response from the audience. We’ll leave you with a really short one titled, To Keep Your Marriage Brimming by Ogden Nash.
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.